No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
