I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
