I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize