i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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