The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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