ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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