Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
