she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
