I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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