why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
