I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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