Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
