News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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