i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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