i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
