I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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