Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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