I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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