I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
