Im at strip club and am horny
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
