In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
