i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
