I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
