are you still at the devil's house?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
