So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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