Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
