Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
