I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
