I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
