i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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