He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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