this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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