he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
