i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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