I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
