Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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