Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
