am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
