I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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