my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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