just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
