Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
