I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
