doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
