so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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