Someone shit on the floor
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
