She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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