Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
