i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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