i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
