I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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