How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
