My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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