Umm I'm too high to move.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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