Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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