You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
