Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
