i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
