Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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