Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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