I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
