my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
