You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So apparently I’m into choking now
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