I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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