True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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