My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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