If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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