The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
