Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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