It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
