Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
