he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize