when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
