please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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