You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize