the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
