Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
