Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
